Category: Family Updates

Parenting, Original Sin, and The Goal

The other day my wife asked our almost 18-month-old daughter to do something (I think it had to do with putting clothes away), and it was fascinating to watch the wheels turn in our little girl’s head.

She started to move towards obedience, then said “no,” then leaned back towards obeying, said “no” again almost put the thing away, and then finally ran in the other direction.

My immediate thought: “you little sinner.”

My second thought: “That was harsh.”

Which pretty much summarizes two prominent schools of thought on child raising out there in the world (and even within the church).

If you go with my gut reaction you are either “biblical” or a “cruel/shame-based” parent”.
If you go with my second thought you are either a “soft/hippy” or an “organic/love-based” parent.

Having reflected on that moment, and my reaction to it, over the past couple of days, I think it all misses the point.

I absolutely believe in original sin. It’s one of the easiest biblical truths for me to believe. But, I think far too often this gets applied in unhelpful ways.

Original sin (and the subsequent “total depravity” doctrine) are misunderstood to mean that given the choice between “right” and “wrong” we will always choose wrong.

No. We can, and do at times, choose right,
choose good,
choose beauty,
choose right relationship.

But we also choose the opposite. And, back to the scene with my daughter, we struggle and agonize over the choice.

Choosing good, choosing to submit, choosing others-over-self does not come naturally. That is what I mean when I talk about original sin, or total depravity, or whatever you want to call it.

I watched my daughter listen to my wife’s request, process it, and then wrestle (in a very visible way) with what to do with that request. And that struggle, that wrestling, is the issue to me. Most people focus on the outcome: did she obey or not. Or they debate the ethics and morality of obedience or imposing rules on a young child.

Which all misses the point: we are hardwired to choose ourselves over others. And that is the problem of original sin.

This is why Jesus’ invitation to follow him involves picking up a cross, denying ourselves, and becoming great (read, good) by serving others instead of ourselves.

I don’t want to downplay morality, but I think the parenting conversation gets lost there and then lives in denial about the real issue (self-centeredness).

The goal is not to raise rule-followers or narcissists, but wise, whole, self-giving human beings. 

That’s what we are shooting for.

Moving

Yesterday we signed a lease and wrote a check and so, finally, it is official: we are moving to Roslindale. Rozzi, as it is affectionately called by the locals, is one of Boston’s southern neighborhoods. It’s a diverse community with spillover from Dorchester (most of my counselors at Bird Street were from Roslindale), Jamaica Plain (bringing with it the hipster influence), and West Roxbury (with some good old Boston accents). 

This has been quite the journey. About six months ago we began to with the idea of moving out of our current apartment. If you’ve ever been here you know we have these crazy stair cases, which makes life with a baby interesting. We thought there might be a nice first floor place for us in Eastie. At the same time, we were heavily recruiting some friends to move into the neighborhood too.

None of that ended up working out. The rental market in Boston is out of control right now (our current place is being listed for 25% more than what we started at). At one point we were going to Allston, at another point back to Dorchester, at another we thought about giving up and staying put. There were many, many ups and downs and twists and turns and someday, maybe, I’ll write a post about what, if anything, I learned about discernment from all of this. To put it mildly: it was draining.

We’ve loved living in Eastie and a lot of amazing things have happened since we’ve moved here: the transition to full-time ministry, Amy passing her boards and starting work, the launching of a REUNION community group, Marina joined our family, and the Giants won a couple of World Series. It’s been a good run.

But, the one thing we’ve never really had here was sharing life with people who have a similar rhythm. We are excited about Rozzi’s parks and people, its village, and walkability. We are excited to meet new neighbors and enjoy the Arboretum. But mostly we are excited to be within mere blocks of Stacey and Linsey and Bobby and Christina. Friends and family and co-workers. We are excited to share in the birth a new baby and in the patterns of life that only those in campus ministry can really relate to.

I am not excited about putting things into boxes and taking them out, but I am so, so excited to begin creating and forming community with friends whose homes I can get to by walking.

A new adventure begins!   

The Week Behind and the Week Ahead

The adventures of living in Boston, of being a family of three, and of life in campus ministry (an alternative lifestyle to our dominant culture for sure) continue!

Over the past week we’ve been in a mild (to extreme) state of panic regarding our housing situation. Turns out looking for housing with a 9 month old child is a lot more challenging than we anticipated. Add to that an inflated and competitive rental market and we’ve come up empty so far.

Thank the Lord for understanding landlords. They’ve modeled grace to us and given us more time to sort it all out.

In the meanwhile we head in to two weeks of “vacation”. I use quotes because while this trip will be a break from the norm, a break from the heat, and will involve some sweet time with family, it will also include fundraising, recruiting, spring break reconnaissance, and speaking.

And it will involve traveling back and forth across the country separately. I just said goodbye to the girls as I am about to get on a plane and fly to Portland for this. I am looking forward to spending time with the great Ryan McRae and hopefully being inspired and challenged. But, knowing that Amy gets on another plane tomorrow, just her and Marina, and I can’t be there to help them…well, that’s less exciting to me.

I am confident the next two weeks will be great, and I feel much more ready to enter into it knowing some of our housing questions are behind us.

Sometimes I lament the instability that being a missionary brings on my family, but one thing I know for certain: it is never a boring ride!

Fathers/Daughters (Father’s Day, Part II)

I have been a father for over 9 months now and I love it. There are so many things to say about parenthood and how it is shaping me, challenging me, growing me. It’s a long list, and I have more to say about it than I would have ever imagined.

So, let me keep this post short and sweet by sharing this: here’s the thing I love the most about being Marina’s dad. I love that I am dad (read: male, father) and that she is daughter (read: a girl).

For some reason I have had the sense that part of my destiny, to sound dramatic, has always been to be a father to a girl. Not that I don’t want a boy, or have never imagined parenting a son, but somehow I always knew there would be a girl, and I am so ecstatic this girl is Marina.

Why did I think this to be my destiny? I’m not sure. Maybe it was having two sisters. Maybe it was having several good friends who were girls. Maybe it’s my experience shepherding young women as a campus minister.

It’s just a sense I’ve had.

There’s something precious and important about the ways father’s treat their daughters. I’ve seen it in my family, and I’ve seen it in the lives of friends, and in the students I work with. A father makes a tremendous impact on his daughter’s life for good and for bad.

Amy is an amazing mother and I marvel at her work and way with Marina each and every day. And yet, there are some things that Marina needs from me that Amy can’t give her (and, of course, the opposite is also true).

Time will tell if I will be a good father or not. I hope and pray and strive to be a good dad.

What I do know is this: I believe I was meant to do this…not just to be a dad, but to be a father to a daughter. And I love it, I relish this challenge, and it’s all a bit frightening, but I am also hopeful and excited about where this journey will lead!

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Father’s Day

I hope to post some thoughts on fatherhood this week, but for now I want to say that I had an incredibly blessed first father’s day weekend. Saturday night, which was one of the best weather days I can ever remember in Boston, we hung out with neighborhood friends. The moms conspired together to speak words of encouragement to the dads and it was a precious moment.

Sunday morning the girls made me breakfast while I got to sleep in (a treat all by itself). Marina even signed the card with a squiggly line. Very awesome.

My wife and daughter are amazing and bless me in innumerable ways each and every day…father’s day is, for me, as much about remembering that as anything else.

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