Tag: parenting

Parenting, Original Sin, and The Goal

The other day my wife asked our almost 18-month-old daughter to do something (I think it had to do with putting clothes away), and it was fascinating to watch the wheels turn in our little girl’s head.

She started to move towards obedience, then said “no,” then leaned back towards obeying, said “no” again almost put the thing away, and then finally ran in the other direction.

My immediate thought: “you little sinner.”

My second thought: “That was harsh.”

Which pretty much summarizes two prominent schools of thought on child raising out there in the world (and even within the church).

If you go with my gut reaction you are either “biblical” or a “cruel/shame-based” parent”.
If you go with my second thought you are either a “soft/hippy” or an “organic/love-based” parent.

Having reflected on that moment, and my reaction to it, over the past couple of days, I think it all misses the point.

I absolutely believe in original sin. It’s one of the easiest biblical truths for me to believe. But, I think far too often this gets applied in unhelpful ways.

Original sin (and the subsequent “total depravity” doctrine) are misunderstood to mean that given the choice between “right” and “wrong” we will always choose wrong.

No. We can, and do at times, choose right,
choose good,
choose beauty,
choose right relationship.

But we also choose the opposite. And, back to the scene with my daughter, we struggle and agonize over the choice.

Choosing good, choosing to submit, choosing others-over-self does not come naturally. That is what I mean when I talk about original sin, or total depravity, or whatever you want to call it.

I watched my daughter listen to my wife’s request, process it, and then wrestle (in a very visible way) with what to do with that request. And that struggle, that wrestling, is the issue to me. Most people focus on the outcome: did she obey or not. Or they debate the ethics and morality of obedience or imposing rules on a young child.

Which all misses the point: we are hardwired to choose ourselves over others. And that is the problem of original sin.

This is why Jesus’ invitation to follow him involves picking up a cross, denying ourselves, and becoming great (read, good) by serving others instead of ourselves.

I don’t want to downplay morality, but I think the parenting conversation gets lost there and then lives in denial about the real issue (self-centeredness).

The goal is not to raise rule-followers or narcissists, but wise, whole, self-giving human beings. 

That’s what we are shooting for.

Seeing vs. Slowing

Today’s post is from my sister’s blog. She writes excellent stuff over at Momma’s Musings. Check her out and enjoy this post on “seeing”.

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Today, my Baby climbed up the park structure.  All by herself.  In footy pajamas.

My post-toddler, pre-pre-schooler neatly stacked 27 pairs of underwear.  And left them that way.

My 4 and 3/4’s kid, who is adamant and clear that he is not 4 and 1/2 or 5, but 4 and 3/4’s, reminded his brother to work hard, because a man takes responsibility, after all.

And I got to watch my kindergartener chew vigorously on the end of her pencil, in rapt concentration as she was following her teacher’s instructions in order to draw a scientist working in Antarctica.  Kindergarten is intense.

Anyway, I was struck at the end of this day, how fast it’s all happening, this growing up and getting bigger part of life.  We’re not a busy family, by American social norms anyway, but I can’t stop the rapid growth that is leaping through my children’s brains and bones every single day.

I feel like it’s all the rage right now in Christian spirituality to talk about going slow.  And perhaps this is the needed Word of the Lord for many.

But for me, I just want to see.  Slow is not happening.  Devotion is happening.  Sleep is happening.  Sabbath rest is happening.  Togetherness instead of busyness is happening.

But slow is not happening.  My 3-year-old can whoop me on a scooter race and my 4 and 3/4’s kid can already outrun me.  Life is fast around here.

I can’t change the speed at which 4 children under 6 years of age grow.  It’s a miracle to behold, moment by moment sometimes.  Yesterday, it was diapers.  Today they are drying dishes and memorizing the Nicene Creed.  Amazing.

I can’t make it slow.

But I can see.

Jesus models this for me.  He is always going to this place or to that place, walking here and there, traveling about.  And he is seeing.  He sees wherever he goes.  He looks, notices, attends to with his eyes.  He doesn’t miss what is happening, even in his busyness and comings and goings and growings all around him.

And not only does He see and see clearly, but he is astoundingly accurate in diagnosing heart problems and getting right down deep to the root.  He sees and then he looks all the way down to the very bottom.  And then he casts light, Himself, right onto the situation or the person.  Light in the dark, heart exposed, known.  He sees and He knows.

I want to be a Momma like that.  I cannot slow the natural fastness of my children growing up.  Slowness is not going to be the goal around here anytime soon.  But I can learn to see, to see them and know them.  I can learn from Jesus how to get right down to the heart of it.

The Joy of Walking Around the Block

I wrote on Monday about my fight against nostalgia this fall. I want to say again that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with thinking about the past, reminiscing, or cherishing great moments we have experienced.

But dangers lie there, and we can get stuck in the past pretty easily.

We can also get stuck dreaming about the future. This tends to be the temptation for me. Instead of being present in the moment and enjoying what is going on right now, I just look ahead hoping for something better around the corner.

Part of that is because the present can kind of stink. Our dryer broke on Sunday. Tuesday morning I walked into the office and the floor was covered in water and there was a stream gushing out of a wall. Not how I was hoping to start the day. If it isn’t water, it’s something else: unexpected extra work, interruptions, annoyances. And then there’s the big stuff: the phone calls you don’t want to receive, tragedy, and life altering moments.

All of this makes it easy to retreat to the past or dream about the future…anything to take our minds off the present.

We are having a January “heat” wave here in Boston so my wife and I took our daughter for a walk on Monday afternoon. She’s only 16 months old, so we hold her hands and walk on either side of her while she toddles in between.

And she has a blast. Giggling, barking at dogs, smiling, pointing at everything, and then there’s the pure, full-bellied laughter and joy that comes from being swung between mom and dad.

Marina has me beat at being present in the moment and enjoying whatever is right in front of her.

Why do we lose that as we get older?

Here’s to being more like Marina. Here’s to being more present.

Malcolm Gladwell Being Awesome

This quote from David and Goliath (1/3 of the way through and it’s a lot fun, per usual) is about parenting but it has everything to do with leadership:

“A parent [leader] has to set limits. But that’s one of the most difficult things for [the wealthy], because they don’t know what to say when having the excuse of ‘We can’t afford it is gone.’ Parents [leaders] have to learn to switch from ‘No we can’t’ to ‘No we won’t.’ But ‘no we won’t’ is much harder.

‘No we won’t’…requires a conversation, and the honesty and skill to explain that what is possible is not always what is right. Yes, I can [do] that for you. But I choose not to. It’s not consistent with our values.

But that, of course, requires that you have a set of values, and you know how to articulate them, and you know how to make them plausible to your child [the people you lead].”

Fathers/Daughters (Father’s Day, Part II)

I have been a father for over 9 months now and I love it. There are so many things to say about parenthood and how it is shaping me, challenging me, growing me. It’s a long list, and I have more to say about it than I would have ever imagined.

So, let me keep this post short and sweet by sharing this: here’s the thing I love the most about being Marina’s dad. I love that I am dad (read: male, father) and that she is daughter (read: a girl).

For some reason I have had the sense that part of my destiny, to sound dramatic, has always been to be a father to a girl. Not that I don’t want a boy, or have never imagined parenting a son, but somehow I always knew there would be a girl, and I am so ecstatic this girl is Marina.

Why did I think this to be my destiny? I’m not sure. Maybe it was having two sisters. Maybe it was having several good friends who were girls. Maybe it’s my experience shepherding young women as a campus minister.

It’s just a sense I’ve had.

There’s something precious and important about the ways father’s treat their daughters. I’ve seen it in my family, and I’ve seen it in the lives of friends, and in the students I work with. A father makes a tremendous impact on his daughter’s life for good and for bad.

Amy is an amazing mother and I marvel at her work and way with Marina each and every day. And yet, there are some things that Marina needs from me that Amy can’t give her (and, of course, the opposite is also true).

Time will tell if I will be a good father or not. I hope and pray and strive to be a good dad.

What I do know is this: I believe I was meant to do this…not just to be a dad, but to be a father to a daughter. And I love it, I relish this challenge, and it’s all a bit frightening, but I am also hopeful and excited about where this journey will lead!

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