On Being Told No

I’ll cut right to the chase: I don’t like being told no. Who does?

In my line of work I ask lots of people for lots of things. It feels like I am constantly making “asks” and this raises all sorts of anxiety for me. I fear being a burden, or annoying, or the person people dread receiving emails from (here we go again).

Recently I made an ask that had a lot of hope attached to it. I was told no. I fought for it. Still no.

I felt pretty crummy about this no. Then I read this. (Miller also talked about this at the World Domination Summit: how to find redemption in suffering/stories that don’t turn out the way we want them to).

So, in that spirit, here are four blessings that come with “no’s”.

It forces me to pray more: you’d think I do most of my praying before/during/immediately after the ask. Rejection has a way of revitalizing my prayer-life like nothing else.
The process of asking is clarifying: whether the answer is yes or no, the process makes me think deeply about what I am asking for, why I need it, and why it is important for whoever I am asking to be included in this effort. Asking produces clarity.
No’s make me work harder: I’m not sure what this says about me, but yeses tend to produce laziness, a resting of laurels. No’s create urgency. Obviously, yeses are needed to get anything done, but a no drives up the energy levels in a more profound way.
No’s produce character: I completely relate to Miller’s victim dialogue in the article on disappointment. It’s so easy to go there. In the end anything we receive when we ask is a gift. It’s so easy to take credit for a yes, to think I “earned” this. And, similarly, to blame someone for a no. But it’s all a gift. Maybe a better way of saying it is: no’s reveal character. And that can be painful, but ultimately necessary.

What do you think? What do you learn from “no’s”?

New [School] Year’s Resolution

I love to read. I devour books on topics that are interesting to me. They don’t have to be well written. They don’t have to be works of art. They just need to entice me with delicious information.

This is who I am. My strengthsfinder inventory tells me I am a “learner,” “input,” ideation,” “intellection,” and “strategic.” Taking in information is how I operate and process the world.

Naturally, as a campus minister, I end up reading A LOT of books about: leadership, theology, church, church trends, discipleship, discipleship models, college students, young adults, and this list could go on and on.

I’ve been wondering lately, though, if all that information isn’t a way to hide. It is easier to read and write about ministry and making disciples than it is to do it.

I’ve found myself getting annoyed with those who have many opinions on the topic, those who write blogs about it, and yet don’t seem to be doing much in real life. Upon examining my annoyance with this I realized the reaction is due, in part, to my own tendency to retreat into the world of ideas and knowledge and away from the mess of people and real life.

I thought about giving up reading all together. But I think I would die a sort of death if there were no books in my life.

So, instead I’m giving up reading books about church, theology, and ministry for the coming school year.

There will be a couple of exceptions to this: a book we’ll read as a staff, a couple of books that I’ve read before that I will re-read with students. But my reading for this year will be novels and classics and works of non-fiction that are interesting to me but have nothing to do with my job (like this one).

I hope this accomplishes a couple of things:

Saves money
Clears mental clutter
Helps me learn new and interesting things, and forces me to practice what I often preach (integration: finding God’s truth in unexpected places)

Here it goes!

5 Things I’ve Learned From 4 Years in Collegiate Ministry in Boston

The end of this semester marks the end of my fourth year on staff with Sojourn Collegiate Ministry. Crazy to think about! I’m sure in another four years this list will transform, but at this point here are a few things I know:

New England/Boston is indeed a challenging place to do ministry, but it’s not all bad. There are plenty of studies and surveys that indicate that the Northeast is one of the least churched/most post-christian regions of the country. Boston is always in the top 5 for cities in these categories. Some of those stats are even more pronounced on campus where things move faster than the prevailing culture. However, most of those studies tend to come with hand-wringing and a concern that is not always truthful. There are a lot of beautiful things going on in the city and in the region. Churches are being planted, people are coming to know Jesus, and new movements and expressions of community are bursting forth. Yes, there are unique challenges, but there is also a movement of God in New England and it is humbling to play a part in that.
College students today are experiencing unique pressures. I always come back to a conversation I had with some Boston University officials a year ago. They were trying to wrap their minds around the fact that for the first in anyone’s memory the school sent more students to the hospital for mental health issues than for alcohol related issues. I see two things at play here: (1) The amount of family baggage kids bring with them to college is staggering. I would argue that family of origin issues are the “thing” students are wrestling with today. (2) Students are unable to profoundly answer the important questions of being and meaning (who are you and what are you doing here?). This is closely related to the family issue, but deep identity questions are at the heart of the unique situation and pressures faced by students today.
Students want to be led. Most students will present as self-assured and desire autonomy and the ability to make their own decisions. And that is a huge part of the college experience: drawing new conclusions and learning how to handle the freedom to make good and bad choices. In ministry, this can be difficult because students want to (a) keep their options open, or (b) take control/ownership of the ministry. That second one, in particular, is interesting because once a student is “in” they are usually all in, and they make great leaders in our ministry. And the tendency them is to let them run with it. But, underneath all that, students want to be led. They want to know you care about them. They want to know you want the best for them. And even if it is really, really hard they want to trust you to lead them somewhere good. It make take a very long time to acquire that trust, and it may be delicate to maintain that trust, but they want to follow somebody.
Students want to see our family. Students love coming over to our house and they love checking out Marina (even if they don’t quite know what to do with her). Our family, and the story we are creating as the three of us, are, in many ways, more essential to our ministry than planning meetings, one on ones, and service trips.
Students are interested in church. They may not come every week, and they may not like everything about REUNION (or whatever church they attend), but they ask a TON of questions about church. What that tells me is that they care about it, they know it’s important, and they want to talk about what it is, what’s wrong, and what it could be.

One of our key leaders at Northeastern graduated this weekend and his parent’s were at REUNION yesterday. I got to meet his family and they were extremely grateful for the role that Sojourn has played in the life of their son. I had to work hard to keep it together during that conversation.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is this: it an honor and a privilege to do this work. I understand that even more now as a parent myself.

There are parent’s all over the country praying for their kids, and in some way I/we get to be the answer to those prayers. Wow.

Meditate On It

In Joshua 1 we discover a people in transition. The people of Israel mourn the loss of their fearless leader, Moses, and look to Joshua to take his place. All this before, finally, entering the land they had been promised hundreds of year prior. A land filled with enemies.

Joshua 1 is great for leaders in times of transitions. It’s a rah-rah speech, and the wonderful promise of God (“I will be with you”) is repeated at least three times.

Which is very encouraging for us at any time, but especially during times of challenge. Times when it feels like we are going into enemy land. This can feel like all the time in Boston.

The connecting thought, and really the central premise, of Joshua 1 is found in verse 8:

“Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.”

Sometimes I read Joshua 1 and think I have to work up some amazing courage and fearlessness.

No. Meditate on the word.

Why You Should Care About Collegiate Ministry

Final reflection piece for the year. Will have another marina pic and some top 5 lists, but regular blogging won’t happen again until 2013.

This post reflects a little bit of my journey over the past year…I wholeheartedly believe in the work we are doing here in Boston: here’s why…

—–

Confession: a pet peeve of mine is the minimizing of the importance of collegiate ministry. Our field has not always done a great job advertising our awesomeness (probably because campus ministers are too busy to do marketing). But, in my lower moments, I find the misunderstandings of our work to be aggravating.

Some look at college ministry as intellectual youth ministry. Others dismiss it as a mere “life-stage” ministry. Some deride it as an unhelpful “parachurch” organism/parasite. I get asked about once a month: “so when are you going to become a ‘real’ pastor.”

There are many people who get it and who invest in it and who think what we are doing is important. And that is beautiful. But the misunderstandings still drive me crazy.

Recently I’ve had the opportunity to hang with people from other ministries all over the world. When I asked them to tell me the story about how they got interested and inspired to do their work they all started with this:

“When I was in college…”

That phrase has been difficult to get out of mind over the last several weeks.

Collegiate ministry may not be directly addressing poverty, or dirty water, or whatever other issue or cause you might care about, BUT it will have an impact on all of those things.

If you care about the fact that church attendance is declining rapidly in the remerging generation you should care deeply about collegiate ministry.

If you care about issues of class and race and poverty that affect our cities and the education of our young people you should care deeply about collegiate ministry.

If you care about global missions you should care about collegiate ministry (for two reasons: US students will be called at this point in their lives to go abroad and international students studying in the US will take the good news of Jesus back with them).

If you care about sex-trafficking, human slavery, and other rights-based issues you should care about collegiate ministry.

If you care about the direction of technological advancement, research, medical and scientific developments, and the progression of philosophical thought and practice you should care about collegiate ministry.

If you care about politics you should care about collegiate ministry.

And, at the risk of exploiting current events, if you care about the deep, deep brokenness in our country you should care deeply about collegiate ministry.

I had the opportunity to meet with some Boston University officials at the end of the Spring semester and they revealed a startling development:

During that semester the school, for the first time that anyone could remember, made more hospital calls for students struggling with mental health issues than for alcohol related incidents.

Among emerging adults there is a profound crisis centering around questions of meaning and being.

The shootings in Newtown and other communities are the extreme expressions of a culture that is failing miserably to answer these questions in any kind of meaningful way.

We don’t know how to talk about truly significant things like evil, life, and ultimate meaning.

Most of the people (men? boys?) committing these unthinkable shootings are between the ages of 18 and 25.

Over the next couple of weeks and months we will hear about gun control and mental health reform, and both are important and needed conversations.

But, neither get to the heart of the issue. President Obama got us there for a moment in his speech on Sunday when he asked: “Why are we here?”

This question and other questions of meaning and being (what is a human? what does it mean to be human? is there purpose and meaning and importance to life and the universe? etc, etc) are at the center of our national crisis, a crisis that impacts our young people (specifically college aged students) more than anyone.

And if you care about this, if you care about how we answer and will answer these questions as a nation and a culture, then you should care deeply and passionately about collegiate ministry.

Actually Being In a Desert [Guest Post by Ryan McRae]

5 months ago, I burnt out of my job and moved to Afghanistan of my own free will. I’m attempting to reach over and punch the reset button on my life. Up until I boarded a plane to Dubai, my life had become crowded and full of distractions. Relationships were imploding around me and I felt this need, this compulsion (spiritual people would call it a “calling”) to get out of here.

All the things I depended on for my comfort and confidence were stripped away and shredded. My educational background—nobody cared about my Masters. My history? I didn’t have one here. My influence that I’d built up in the US—gone. I was in a foreign land, filled with war, without any of the tools I gripped onto. In other words, my idols were smashed and the temple I’d dedicated to myself had burnt down.

My depression for the first month can only be described as monumental. People asked me what the culture shock was like. It was like licking jumper cables connected to a 18-wheeler. I didn’t know military culture or Middle Eastern culture (which is a misnomer—the culture here is different from what you would find in Pakistan or Israel. It’s like saying American culture. Really? Which part? But
I digress.) I felt lost. I felt alone. And now when I utter the word “desolation”, I completely understand its meaning.

But this is exactly what happens when you reset your life. I’ve wiped the slate clean and now I’m forced to stare at the blankness. And I’m trying my best to handle the marker over to God instead of filling it up again with clutter and ego.

So how have I experienced God here, in this war zone?

I’ve been writing the Psalms out when I can. I keep a journal. One side, the psalm and I write a reflection on the other side. Right now I’m up to Psalm 58. The constant theme I’ve found so far is that God is a fortress. And I’ve seen my fortress that I’ve constructed—it’s a refrigerator box with a crayon scrawling that says “Ryan’s FOURTRESS. KEEP OUT!” It’s rain soaked and has burn marks on it. I’m reminded that I need to dwell in God’s fortress so when I pray I imagine it like I’m wandering around Minas Tirith seeing my friends and occasionally standing on the wall to see my tiny fortress, discarded.

I connected with the chaplain on my base and led worship with soldiers in the audience. I needed some place to serve and worship—and quick. But my joy has come from not having those idols bogging me down, not living every moment to impress someone, hoping they think I’m witty and hilarious.

Now, I don’t recommend you do what I did, head to war-torn country to find God. But I’d encourage you to find someone you love and trust and talk about the idols in your life. What do you lean on? What can you NOT do with out? Have that discussion and see what happens.

[Ryan McRae currently works in Afghanistan. He has written a book: A Quick and Easy Parent’s Guide to College that you can find here. Also, if you donate to his charity:water campaign, he will send you a haiku. Details are found here!]

5 Thoughts On 6 Days of Parenting

You really do not get a lot of sleep
Watching our daughter grow and learn is a joy like no other
I drive slower, care more about things like hand washing, and find organization and planning to be more important to me than ever before
I care a whole lot less about what’s going on on the internet
The best part of this journey, so far, is watching Amy be a mom. She is an amazing mother. Amazing.

Un-Trust

Sarah posted the other day about trust and I liked what she had to say a lot. Ironic because I’ve been thinking a lot about this myself.

We live with a great deal of uncertainty: when will the baby come…will amy have to work after the baby gets here…how will we balance work and ministry and parenting…will our funding come through (which will help us answer some of these questions)…and there’s several other questions there as well.

I pray a lot when I run, and the prayer I keep coming back to is essentially a paraphrase of Mark 9:24: “I trust, help me with my un-trust.”

One of the thing that strikes me from this passage is that they guy who is asking for help with his unbelief is a dad. The scene in question revolves around his child.

I can relate to that. I know belief and trust and closely related, but it has been incredibly helpful for me to meditate on this father’s cry for help as a plea for the ability to trust. I believe it, but do I really trust it?

And so my prayer these days is help me with my un-trust!

Flaubert, Discipline, and Originality

I’ve never been a highly disciplined person. I have had to work at an organizational system that keeps me afloat, finally settling in to something reasonable in the last couple of years (thank you moleskine day planner).

In fact, younger Steve kind of rebelled against the whole idea of discipline, schedules, order, and various other synonyms. The reality is, whether one is spontaneous or structured, relational or task oriented, a “p” or a “j” (a little myers-briggs reference there for you), we all need some sort of structure to help us get through life, let alone the day.

Artists call it framing. The “framing information” lets you know if you are at an opera or a rock concert, whether this is photography or painting. In other words, there is no work without the frame.

(Keith Richards says, that for the musician, silence is the frame. I kind of like that.)

We need a frame so that we know what we are looking at, watching, reading, etc, and we need a frame to help us know what do, how to prioritize, and how to make decisions. Even those who espouse total freedom and throw off constraints are choosing a frame and making a decision about priorities.

I came across a quote recently that really drove all of this home for me. It’s from Gustave Flaubert, the 19th century writer:

“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.”

Oh man, I love that. I’ve never been so excited about organization in my life!

I don’t know what kind of frame you have or need. I don’t know if you need a google calendar, or a smart phone, or a good old-fashioned day planner and quad pen (my preference), but if you want to accomplish things…if you have goals and aspirations and dreams…prioritize, create a system (your frame), say no to some things (and throw some stuff away), and get to work!

The breakthrough moment for me: organization leads to originality. I’m in!

Trees

Someone asked me the other day if there has been something from Scripture that I have found sustaining and life-giving over the past school year. For me, it has been Psalm 1. I read this Psalm a couple of times a week and pray fervently that I would be “a tree planted by streams of water.”

In my mind the Psalm conjures up an image of an old oak tree that one might find in central California. An old tree has seen a lot of things, has lived through a lot of storms, and has developed a certain amount of “sway” (the ability to flex and bend but not break in the face of winds and all kinds of weather).

Verse one of the Psalms describes the ways we get sucked into sinful and dysfunctional patters (walk, stand, sit). It feels unsettled when compared to a deeply rooted tree. The key, in verse two, is to meditate on the law of the Lord.

I want to be like an old oak tree, but I don’t feel that way very often. I feel a lot more like a sapling with shallow roots, or an unsettled tree that is too far from streams of water and has become brittle. My branches feel too easily broken.

My prayer is that I grow to be a tree deeply rooted by streams of water.

1 Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
²but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
³That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

⁴Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
⁵Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

⁶For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.